Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A poop story to trump ALL poop stories.

OK, I don’t know if this story will be as funny in writing as it was in person but I’m going to try…
This morning my coworker and I had to go to Atchison to show a foreclosure property to a couple who had expressed interest in the house. We were about done going through the property and the wife disappeared for a while. The husband and I were talking in the kitchen and I could kind of hear the wife banging around in cabinets somewhere. My coworker went back to kind of check on her and as she was doing that the wife came walking out of the bathroom. I noticed that she had some brown marks on her gray sweats that I didn’t think were originally there, but I didn’t think much of it.

As she came walking through the kitchen I noticed that a little something fell off of her pants onto the kitchen floor. She then started rummaging through the kitchen cabinets.

Her husband asks “What are you doing?”
She replies: “Well, I went to the bathroom.”
Husband: “It’s all over your pants!”
Wife: “I know, I’m trying to find some rags. There have to be rags in here somewhere…”

In my head I’m saying “no, there are no rags in this house. It was been cleaned out and vacated for months!” I finally respond that I think I have something in my car. I run out to my car and find a stack of napkins and some Kleenex. On the way out to my car, all I can think is WHAT THE F just happened?! As I walked past the bathroom, there was visible poop on the bathroom floor and on the outside of the toilet.

I bring the stack of napkins back in and she takes off towards the bathroom. Meanwhile, we continue talking to the husband and she makes her way back to us with more poop smears on the front and back of her pant legs.

We finally make our way outside of the house and they continue talking about the house. At this point, my coworker and I are thinking “JUST GET IN THE CAR AND LEAVE!” They finally leave and the wife leans in to mean and touches my arm with a poopy hand and says “you’re going to need a bucket of water to flush that down…”

My coworker and I go back in the house and begin laughing uncontrollably and crying from laughing so hard. We have no idea what just happened. All we know is there is poop everywhere. Not only in the bathroom, but on the kitchen floor where a kernel dropped either from the outside or inside of her pants, I have no idea where it came from, but she was also rummaging through the kitchen cabinets with poop covered hands!

The strangest thing about this whole story is how calm and non-chalant these people were about what just happened. I mean the wife shit herself. The husband acted like this was maybe a common occurence? Or that it had at least happened before or something...she never apologized or even looked embarrassed about this. She just kept talking away with poop all over her pants.

We have no idea what to do after they leave the house…we walked back towards the bathroom, thinking we could clean it up a little or something, even though our only cleaning supply is a box of Kleenex, but the smell was so foul, it took all of our energy to not puke in the house.

We decide to lock up the house and leave. Immediately I put as much hand sanitizer all over my hands and arms as I could and we made our way to a coffee shop to wash our hands off a little more. 

We still can’t stop laughing.

I called my mom to tell her the story because I knew she would appreciate a funny poop story; that and my sister was working and my husband was golfing, so I knew she would answer. She could hardly make out the story because I was laughing so hard. After finally hearing what happened all she could say was: "I don’t understand!"

The only thing we can come up with is that she maybe hovered over the toilet and completely missed and poop ended up on the back and front of her pants, on the floor, and on the toilet? Or that she tried to wipe with her pants (there was also no toilet paper in the bathroom). Or maybe she thought she had her depends on this morning and then realized too late that she didn't??

We make our way back to the office and try to figure out how we’re going to tell the rest of our coworkers about our morning. We can’t stop laughing. We realize that this story may sound completely made up, but it is totally real.

I had to email the company that we have clean out houses for us to see if they could go and clean up the bathroom sometime soon. Luckily, they’re awesome, and they’re going today to get rid of the poop. Imagine trying to write an email as professionally as you can about needing them to go clean up a bathroom in a house that they just recently cleaned out because someone shat all over the place. I had to mention that they might need to clean the kitchen floors and cabinets because the poop made its way in there….

Needless to say, this morning has been an eventful one and probably one that I will NEVER forget. And, who knows, maybe we sold a house in this big, poopy mess.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my, and to think, you didn't gag from being pregnant! What a story!